TO: ALL WORKERS OVER 35
Due to the current financial situation and probable further
mergers, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all
workers over 35 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as
RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible
for the SHAFT (Special Help After Retirement) scheme. The situation
of persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under
the SCREW (Scheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED
only once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED as many times as management
Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional
Income for Dependents or Spouse), or HERPES (Half Earnings Retired
Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or
HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High
Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided
itself for the amount of SHIT it gives the employees. Should you
feel that you do not get enough SHIT, please bring it to the
attention of your supervisor. He has been trained to give you as
much SHIT as you can handle.