Prelude :
Here it is ! The REAL Windows FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) Version 4.2e ! The authors are still searching for more Windows/Microsoft/Bill Gates related experiences, short stories, origins and other jokes. Please send them to the support site mentioned at the end of this document.

01. Novice-Question : How do I recognize Windows ?

If your screen is invaded by countless silly little icons no one is able to understand, if your computers speed is reduced to almost zero, if your hard disk is full, if you can't start your normal programs anymore, then indeed you have made the fatal mistake of acquiring Microsoft Windows !

02. Virgin-Questions : What exactly is Windows ? Why do I need Windows ?

Windows is a form of modern warfare. It's yet another attempt of the electronics industry to rape and destroy the minds of its unsuspecting victims. And of course you don't need Windows. It needs you. Bill Gates needs you to buy it to get even more rich and hateful. Rumours that the Windows project was originally launched by psychiatrists to provide them with a constant source of new patients have not been confirmed yet.

03. McAfee-Question : Is Windows a virus ?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

a. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
b. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
c. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
d. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.Sigh... Windows does that, too.
e. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. (See b.)

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences :

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.

04. Lamer-Question : Are there any cheats for Windows ?

Repeated pressing of ALT-F4 RETURN is said to enhance the quality of the working atmosphere. The same effect can be achieved by pressing the reset button of your computer.

05. Critics-Question : Why is Windows as bad as it is ?

If Windows were bug-free, fast, easy-to-use, compatible, openly structured, cheap and efficient, in other words if Windows were a good operating system, there would be no need for Microsofts daily updates (also called bug-changes) with which they trick the money out of their customers pockets into their own. Also, such an operating system would not come from Microsoft, it would come from real programmers.

06. Nintendo-Mutant-Question : Is Windows a game ? Do I need a joystick ?

Yes, Windows is a game ! It has all the characteristics of a game : It has color graphics, sound, there is movement on the screen and the user has to press keys or use the mouse to play it. It's difficult to solve Windows or even Windows NT, but there are quick-guides or, for the inexperienced, complete step-by-step walk-throughs (see also Lamer-Question). There is no need for a joystick as Windows supports both keyboard, mouse and telepathy (think of a system crash and you get one).

07. Programmer-Question : Are there any standards for Windows programming ?

Of course there are. More than you can count. In fact, the wonderful thing about Windows programming specifications is that there are so many you can choose from and that they change from version to version. Not to forget the fact that no other program running under Windows makes use of them. All in all there's only one thing you need to know : Real Programmers don't use Windows.

08. Sceptics-Question : Is this text making any sense at all ?

As this text is about Windows, it cannot have any sense. It's a stupid text about a stupid would-be-program. It's kept close to the characteristics of its subject : It's funny, senseless, useless, and time and space consuming.

09. Version-Question : What's the newest version of Windows ?

"Kairo" and "Chicago" are out of date. After first test runs, Microsoft decided to rename their projects to the more appropiate titles “Titanic” and “Hindenburg”. The alternative set of names “Atlantis” and “Tschernobyl” has been discarded. Rumours of other project names like “L.A.”, “New York”, “Irkutsk”, “Chongqing”, “Uppsala”, “Claudia Schiffer”, “Micky Maus”, “Buy Me”, “Schoppe” or “Extended Error 17” have been discarded.

10. Utility-Question : Is there a tool that takes care of Windows?

Yes ! Look out for the new V4.2 release of KillWin, available at all well stocked computer stores and mailboxes. KillWin V4.2 features auto-detection of Windows on all drives and four modes of operation combined with optional full purging and packing. Average savings of hard disk space exceed more than 20 MByte, average working speed is increased dramatically and user happiness is made possible.

11. Defender-Question : How can I protect my system against Windows ?

The easiest way is to make McAfee's Scan recognize it. To do this, create a file (e.g. ‘winvirus.txt’) with the following content :

#The two-faced sinister Windows Virus "e87928bbf6048be3", Microsoft (R) Windows
(Don't forget the return at the end of the last line !)

To check your programs for viruses, start Scan like this :

SCAN /EXT WINVIRUS.TXT

Note that if the file is not in the current directory, the full path name must be specified, e.g. scan /ext j:\dos\tools\virus\scan\ext\winvirus.txt

99. Bill Gates-Question : Are you nuts ?

Yes of course, Windows made us so.

Copyright 1996.