THE CHEMICAL ANALYSIS ................!
Posted by Tommy on May 13, 1997 at 18:17:00:
CHEMICAL ANALYSIS > > Element :Woman > > Symbol :Wo > > Discoverer :Adam > > > > Quantitative analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from > > 25-10-20 through 60-55-60 have been identified. > > > > Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, > > energetic single state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas. > > > > Physical properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at > > absolutely nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally > > unpredicatble. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. > > Found in many states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. > > Non-magnetic, but attracted coins and sports cars. In its natural state > > the specimen varies considerably, but is often changed artificially so > > well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye. > > > > Chemical properties: Has great affinity for Au, Ag, and C (especially in > > the crystalline form). May give violent reaction if left alone. Will > > absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated > > with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave. An > > essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at least > > 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark and all > > reaction conditions are suitable. Extermely difficult to react if in
the > > highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. > > The reaction is highly exothermic. > > > > Storage: The best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 > > years. > > > > Uses: Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on > > cold nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared). > > > > Tests: Specimen turns rosey tint if discovered in raw natural state. > > Turns green if placed beside a better specimen. > > > > Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). > > Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great > > care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to posess more tha one > > permanent specimen, although a certain amount of exchange is permitted. > > > > ----------------------- > > And so for the other one: > > > > Subject: M E N (Chemical Analysis) > > > > CHEMICAL ANALYSIS > > > > > > Element: Man > > Symbol: Ah (short for a**h***, a common French root > > used to identify the element) > > Discoverer: Eve > > Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length, > > though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches yet > > way 200+ Kg. > > Occurance: Found following duel element Wo, often in high > > concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. (Experimental > > evidence: any beach on any coast) > > Physical properties: Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol) Tends > > to fall into very low energy state dirrectly after > > reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz) Gains considerable > > mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. Rarely > > found in pure form after 14th year. Often damaged as a > > direct result of unlucky reaction with poluted form of > > the Wo commom ore. > > Chemical properties: All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further > > reaction is possible. May react with several Wo > > isotopes in short period under extremely favorable > > conditions. Usually willing to react with what ever is > > available. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non- > > existant to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn > > the specimen bright red and send it to react with Sa, > > the sex analyist) Reaction styles vary from extremely > > slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody. > > Storage: Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, > > 25-35 for favorable reaction style. > > Uses: Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, > > free dinners for Wo... > > Tests: Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted > > specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths. > > Caution: Tends to react extremely violently when other Man > > interferes (sp?) with reaction to a particular Wo > > specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct > > conditions.> Top 10 reasons computers must be male: > ======================================== > > 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. > 9. A better model is always just around the corner. > 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. > 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. > 6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. > 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. > 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. > 3. The lights are on but nobody's home. > 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night. > 1. Size does matter >
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