1) A guy goes into the doctor's
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my botty"
"Good grief, how's that?'
"Don't you start"
2) "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
3) A Welshman goes to the doctor:
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home"
"that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome"
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual"
4) A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
Well, "says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."
5) Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear.
"What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically.
"Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt your head" replies the Doc.
"How the bloody hell will that help?"
"Easy", replies the Doc, "Next time you have a shit it will come out a treat....."