Q. Lovers celebrate Valentine's Day -- what do masturbators celebrate?
A. Palm Sunday.

Q. What two people were shot in a theater?
A. Abraham Lincoln, and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.

Q. What is the most sensative part of the body during masturbation?
A. Your ears -- to listen for footsteps.

Q. What is the definition of a tough competitor?
A. In a masturbation contest, he finishes first, third, and ninth.

Q. What is the difference between pink and purple?
A. Your grip!

Q. What's the difference between "hard" and "light"?
A. You can get to sleep with a light on.

Q. Why is masturbation better than sex?
A. Because you can see what you are doing.

And one for you golfers out there:

Q. What does a three-putt and masturbation have in common?
A. You're ashamed, but you know you'll do it again!