Unusual location: In the path of a projected motorway.

Local authority grants available: About to be condemned.

Period residence: Built in the last two years.

Select neighborhood: Beside sewage works.

Compact: Tiny.

Country gentleman's residence: No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.

Unusual features: No roof.

Delightful rural location: In flight path of nuclear bomber base.

Box room: Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxe's, Folded.

A wealth of period features: Your self, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated
in rubber gloves and wellies.

Quite,secluded setting: On site of proposed dormitory town.

Well situated: In full view of the neighbors.

Within easy distance of: Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.

Rare opportunity to buy: No one else want's it.

For the gardening enthusiast: Grounds like a jungle.

Extensively modernized: Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.

Unspoilt: Planning permission granted for field next door.

Deceptive appearance: It looks terrible.

Partial central heating: The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.

Easily maintained: Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.

Useful outbuildings: No inside toilet.

Much sought after: It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.

By private treaty: If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.

Owner eager to sell: If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed.

Subject to new instructions: They have just discovered death watch beetle.

Sold: Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.