Posted by The Ugly Guy on February 17, 1998 at 05:59:12:
SHIT HAPPENS in various world religions Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens". Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. Zen: What is the sound of shit happening? 7th Day Adventism: Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before. Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else. Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Episcopalianism: Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK. Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans. Charismatic Catholicism: Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives? Islam: If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah. Nation of Islam: New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar. Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. Jehovah's Witnesses: Secular Humanism: Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest. Creationism: ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there Christian Science: Atheism: I don't believe this shit! Religion from an Atheist's point of view: Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Mormonism:If shit happens, shun it. Energizer Bunny: Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it. Southern Baptist: Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit! Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you. Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop Unitarianism:What is this Shit? Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit. Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes. EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen. Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible. Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time. Amish: Shit is good for the soil. Native Americans: Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors. Moonies: Only happy shit really happens. Stoicism: This shit happening is good for me. Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time. Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us? Mysticism: This is really weird shit. Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons. Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit. Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit? Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you. Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen! Scientology: All this happens to be shit. Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit! Sikhism: Leave our shit alone. Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish. Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit. Branch Davidianism: Divorcism: She's full of shit! Creation Science: Discordianism: Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful. Kibology: What's shit, and where can I get some? Spam: Spam happens. SubGenius: Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157) Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful? An Employer: Shit happens, and rolls down hill. An Employee: I've done my shit, so can I take the day off? Environmentalism: Political Correctness: Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much. Quantum Shittydynamics: Einsteinism: God does not play shit with the universe. Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law: Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened. Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago... Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything Reagan: Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap. Quayle: Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte? Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit. Bush: Read my lips: no more shit! Baker: Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me? Saddam: The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit. McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit? Martin Luther King: Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty) Kennedy: Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but John Paul Jones: James Tiberius Kirk: Shirley MacClaine: Neil Armstrong: One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind. Shakespeare: To shit or Not to shit, that is the question. Computer Science: UNIX: Shit dumped. VAX/VMS: No Privilege for attempted shit. Macintosh: (Enough said) IBM/DOS: It's shit, but it's compatible. Windows: The same shit as DOS, only GUIer... Cray: If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't NEED C: It(s)+=shit; but it(s)==efficient; Fortran: IT(S) SHIT, BUT I DON(T) KNOW ANY BETTER. Cobol: IT(S) SHIT. BUT IT(S) JOB SECURITY. BASIC: 10 IT IS SHIT Communism: It's everybody's shit. Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit Socialism: The same shit happens to everyone. Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you! Americanism: Who gives a shit? Materialism: Whoever dies with the most shit wins. Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit. Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it. Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit. Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is. Realism: I think I need to take a shit. Denialism: What shit? Purism: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen. Procrastinationism: Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit. Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever. Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen! Surrealism: Fish. Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up! Fetishism: I love it when shit happens. Masochism: Do shit to ME. Sadism: I will shit on you! Dyslexia: Tihs happens. =============================================================================== Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it. Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit? Aristotle: The essence of shittyness... Archimedes: Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float? Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit? Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire): Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out Sartre: Shit is meaningless! Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol. =============================================================================== Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case... Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe. Physicist (Theoretical): Physicist (Experimental): Engineer: I hope this shit holds together. Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Biologist: Is this shit alive? Botanist: What this daisy needs is some fresh shit. Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit. Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning. Acupuncturist: Hold still or it will hurt like shit. Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go? Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles. Social Scientist: Historian: The same shit happens again and again. Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected. Waitress: You want fries with that shit? Teacher: Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =? Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take. Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up? Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. Quality Control Inspector: IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms. Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit. Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike. Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out. NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit... Mechanic: Shit...this will cost a lot, mister. Chef: It needs some more of this green shit. Musician: This shit is out of tune. Artist: If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit. Poet: My childhood was shit, let me share. Developer: Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance =============================================================================== Dog: All I do is eat, sleep and shit. Cat: Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan? Fish: All I do is eat, swim and shit. Snake: If I got out of this cage, you'd shit. THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS for Sanitation Engineers 0th: There is shit. KEEP SHOVELING!!
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Taoism: Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
PROPERLY."
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will
have salvation.
Shit happens on Saturdays.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
This shit happening IS you.
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!
If shit happens, hold a procession.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you
anyway.
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
If shit happens, take a hostage.
We don't take any shit.
Don't take no shit!
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honor it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
Were all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
The Goddess makes shit happen.
No shit happens until Armaggedon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.
Shit evolves.
came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.
When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Our shit will take care of itself.
Shit happens in your mind.
Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
No shit!
It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going
to taste it.
I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.
I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
What is this shit?!
I don't know shit!
How can we KNOW if shit happens?
You can't prove any of this shit!
Hey, this is good shit, mon.
Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah)
Hey, there's more shit happening over here!
Our shit is better than your shit.
Shit happens again & again & again ...
Shit happens and happens and happens and ...
We'll wash the shit right off you.
Shit will happen. Praise the lord!
Let's stick some pins in this shit!
This shit's gonna get you!
happening...
We affirm the right for shit to happen.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.
You're responsible for all the shit that happens.
Shit happens, but don't publish it.
This modern shit is worthless.
Shit is sacred when it happens.
Christianity stole half its shit from us.
We will make your shit happen.
If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
May shit happen to the FBI!
If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue...
David thinks he's hot shit.
He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit.
... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit!
Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.
MAKE MONEY FROM IT.
You may only shit during coffee breaks.
This shit's not part of my contract.
Shit is biodegradable.
Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological
output happens.
Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.
Shit is Relative.
Relatives are Shit.
about it.
I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....
Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it.
This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it.
I'm still in power.
Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
I have a shit...
what your shit can do for your country.
I have not yet begun to shit.
... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!
Haven't I seen this shit before...
There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt
a supercomputer...
is alike.
Dictatorship of the shit.
If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.
Shit happening is absurd.
I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.
SHIT HAPPENS according to the Philospohers
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Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.
I shit, therefore I am.
The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.
of life.
What is shit, anyway?
SHIT HAPPENS in various professions
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Shit SHOULD happen.
To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
Damn this shit smells...
this shit.
out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant
Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
(1990's) Oooh, SHIT!
Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...
Let all that shit go.
This will really get the energy shit moving.
Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing
its subconscious shittiness.
Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...
If you elect me, shit will never again happen.
Shit happening is bad for the economy.
My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.
(For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)
This shit ain't good enough.
Shit, I wish I thought of that.
Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.
Ode to a Grecian Shit.
My love is like a red, red shit.
... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I
shit...
programmers.
SHIT HAPPENS to your pets
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I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers.
When I catch a car, it will shit!
Oh shit, I caught it!
Let me sleep, you pathetic shit.
Dogs are shit.
I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never in
the corner. It is the dog's.
Always the same dried shit for dinner?
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And finally,
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1st: You can't get rid of it.
2nd: It gets deeper.
3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.
